Lupercalia eve.

This was going to be a post about the ongoing exhibition in the Circle Gallery in Sheffield, but I've been really busy with life and not had time to even draft a post. (*shakes fist at life) Instead, you will be led astray by workings and smearings in the cave 'o paint. (I wonder does it sound more mysterious in latin, BRB) -De spelunca pingere- meh. 

I got side tracked there.

These are two painting I was working on alongside 'Harm of Self' and 'Interrupting Thoughts'. As I mentioned in the last post 'Harm of Self' and 'Interrupting Thoughts' were resolved and finished before these two. They are both still works in progress.

Below are two shots FRGMNTFD of the first how it is now and the second experimenting with stencils. ( I stuck the stencils down and painted a portrait over the top then removed the stencil letters) The letters spell (minus vowels) FRaGMeNT.

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This  image (below) is a better photo of V//D. I need to work some subtle marks into the 'pacman' shapes and balance one or two things up. I'm going to try to make the reds more punchy, digitally to get a rough idea of whether it's a genius move or a complete suineg (reverse of genius) move.

#cathalpaint #artcan ArtCan #mentalhealth #wip #sheffieldartist

Square Peg - with Artcan in the circle gallery

I probably should go into my mental health issues, but I'm still dealing with them and its quite difficult to clarify my thoughts on it, due to the nature of my thoughts. It has been hard for me to find moments of brightness in my current gloom, however one of those fleeting moments was brought to me by Kate Enters of Art Can. 
 

I've been  a bit flaky in getting work done over the last year, but Kate showed faith in my abilities and asked me to produce two paintings for the 'Square Peg' exhibition at the circle gallery in Sheffield.  It was hairy at times, but I got there. The work produced I am really proud of, it's strong and does a good job of communicating my intentions. 

The exhibition was a group exhibition and I was honored to show my work among such talent. Over the next few posts I intend to speak about the artists I have met and exhibited with.  

Below is an over view of the works on display in the Circle Gallery . The exhibition is worth seeing, the way Kate curated the works helped add layers of nuance to the works, drawing subtle connections out. 

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Something about renewal and fresh starts

Blimey 2017 was a year! I've had mental health issues and the world seems to have not faired that well either. I have learnt a lot about myself this last year, but I'm not here to talk about that right now. I have neglected my website for too long so I'm going to redesign it and hopefully get a decent bit opf motivation to post here consistently. I do a lot from my  phone and the squarespace apps are not the best. I can never be certain that the post goes through. When it does images sometimes go missing.  

something blurred and fading

Read this don't read this its not for you anyway. I pay the money for this blog so I'll put my shit on here if i want. 
 

How does the depression affect me?
Today I don't feel hopeless and pointless, just angry that I have to be here. I want everything to fail and isolation to be entire so I can just get on with ending my existence.  Other days I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts, elaborate ideas on how to end things quickly. Ideas that make me wish I was an engineer or at least had more dubious contacts. Stillness and regularity of thought processes is not what the depression brings me. When I'm not ,angry and focused on how to suicide myself, I'm numb, empty of everything and welcome it. Then people ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to tell you.

How is the treatment working?
Is it? I'm here going through the treatment, like Sisyphus. I've got his mythical out look on my future. Don't look too deep into a myth. I see the treatment working. I see me 'fixed'. I see my inevitable collapse.  They say they can give me techniques to manage. Heh. Manage my life. Spend my days looking over my shoulder watching for suicidal me. Then after a life of 'managing my mood' I can finally die of old age. or disease. or whatever. 

Why am I doing the treatment? 
I honestly don't know. I have cliched answers. For my family. Because I have a part of me that wants to live? Fuck knows. 

What do I want? 
To die. Feel like everyone is guilting me to live. I know they love me and worry about me but I feel trapped in this life. Like I'm not allowed to be me, because the me now will take me away from everyone. I'm loaded with the responsibility of everyones happiness. I want to cry. But it solves nothing.  Things become too much and I want to hurt me. They have suggested the rubberband idea, but that deals only with the pain, not the fact I want to damage myself. They want me to engage with the treatment, but I want to disengage with life. Today I'm angry and want to tell every one to get fucked. To push what ever buttons I can to isolate myself. What I do know is everyone has their limits. Push hard enough, long enough and they'll give up. Some find they are able to deal with the pushing. So I'll shut down instead. 

Everyone is telling me to live, when we're all going to die anyway. I can't be arsed waiting anymore. They say my suicide will effect my kids and Su. I know this. But when I'm dead, I won't care or worry about that. Callous? yeah, but logical. All my issues can be boiled down to one soloution. yeah its perimant and there is no going back from it. Fuck it.

I'll do the treatment get the help I can get. And fill you in again on my stuff at some point. any ways.m laterz maybes.